Thursday, May 16, 2013

Where I Admit, I Don't Have All the Answers

More often than I like, I hear from other Moms how they admire me. That I have it all together, and am Super Mom.  There are Moms that even beg to know my secret, crying because they only have a couple of children and cannot get things done, while I have nine and have time for everything.  And I sit here in shock because I know how much I fail. How I am lazy, and all that remains undone and broken in my home.  How, even, I am the cause of the brokenness.  So today, I am going to be real with you.

We cannot sit on one of our couches because of the three loads of clothes that haven't be folded and put away.  I haven't cleaned my kitchen in a month. Instead, I assigned the four Bigs a meal of the day to clean up after, but I haven't helped.  My two year old screams all the time. Bet it's because she hears her Mother yell when she is mad. 

My Littles are pushing me beyond my sanity line.  The baby spent the entire day yesterday either crying or eating. I am not kidding. She slept on her own for only two hours throughout the day.  The other four Littles tag teamed all day as to who was going to fight, tear something up, or run. Oh how the running gets me!

The Bigs are having issues with taking food. And then lying about it. For days. Even when the smoking gun is right in front of their face.  One of the Bigs has an issue with obedience.  I can look at him and say, "Stop. Do not do this, because _____". He answers humbly with a yes Ma'am, and then turns to the little near by and does the exact thing I said not to.  Only he justifies his actions since he did it different and technically didn't disobey the because part. Y'all, we are talking, right in front of me without missing a beat. 

My husband is working nearly 12 full hours everyday. I know for some families this is normal. But we just haven't ever adjusted to him being gone all the time.  He no longer has days off, and the 16 days he has left cannot go by fast enough.  Closing down a store is taking it's toll on him, and us as well.  How we long for the days of ministry. But that's not really even something we ever talk about. That seems but a dream anymore.

And this is constant.  I am not making this up. I have spent the last few nights crying myself to sleep.  And I feel like I am no longer just surviving, I'm beginning to loose the battle to keep my head above water.  I can barely remember when I actually thrived as a Mother and Wife. 

But here's the thing.  I don't put all of this out there on a regular basis.  I will toss out some tidbits about naked babies and complete messes, but I don't tell all the ugliness.  Instead, I choose to be positive. Not to complain. Much.  To make the decision to see the joy.  The blessings.  The works of God in our family.  And I am beginning to work to see God's work in MY life.  Me, personally.  It is a dark place here in my heart sometimes.  And I am learning a powerful lesson in depending only upon God.  That Heath isn't the one I should lean on. He cannot be there for everything.  But my God IS.  He has me on this path; He is directing my; He is refining me through the fire. 

A sweet, blogging friend wrote a post today that summed up all my chaotic thoughts and put them in line for me.  Read what Erin says.  And please understand that it's not perfect here. I don't want it to be.  I don't have all the answers. I am learning everyday.  I am going to focus on the JOYS, not all that is wrong!

Contributing to Hope for the Weary Mom