Tuesday, September 24, 2013

What do you do when life doesn't go as planned?

So, this is our story that I have put off writing for two years now. Partly because I don't know where to start. Partly because the emotions are still raw. Largely because I don't want to sound whiney. But here we are, still in the midst of the toil, and there are some things I need to get written down, and out in the open.

I began prepping for this post by reading back through some of my old writings over the last two years.  There were posts about how we were packing up to leave our much loved home and church. God was calling us away. There was a post about feeling weighed down by much of what was going on. And I even tried to sort out my feelings on my faith and moving on.  But largely, I have been silent on the overwhelming nature of the past two years.

It's been tough. I loved the time with my parents in their home. In fact, there are many days I'd like to just move back in with them and lean against them for support. It sometimes seems easier.  As Heath's old job was winding down, we rarely got to see him. He was home long enough to sleep, and then was off again. And then, when the store closed, he worked for the company by traveling to stores in Texas for three weeks, only being home for 24-36 hours between work weeks. We soon learned that did NOT work for us.

Heath went quite a long while without a job. He finally picked up a decent job at the end of the summer. It's not THE job, but it is better than nothing. But it doesn't cover all our expenses. So we continue to wait.

All the while, we have been putting up a positive front. We are doing fine. God is with us, we have nothing to worry about. Can I just tell you something? Those are facts that I know in my head. I KNOW God called us to come home. I KNOW God sees us and the hardships we are under. I KNOW He has a plan for us. But as we begin to loose sleep over where our next meals are going to actually come, and how just how long this wandering is going to last, I have began to ask "When is this knowledge going to trickle down from my head, and become the FAITH of my heart?"  I also question if the wandering is because of lessons I have missed in learning and acting upon.

The truth is, sometimes faith is ugly. While I try not to question God, I frantically want to know WHY we are where we are. I want to know where God is taking us, when we will move through this long trial. I want to cry out, "Can't you see the strain?". I have gotten to the point I really have nothing left to give. I am empty, and kind of breaking apart. That scares me a bit. Until I realize that in order for God to become greater in me, more of me has to be torn away. But mostly, I end up in tears, desperate to know what God wants of me, and how I can let go and TRUST even more.

God doesn't call us to do hard stuff. No, I can tell you, He calls us to do the impossible stuff. Because in our weakness, we are made strong in Him. When it becomes impossible for me, all glory then is God as He works the miracles.  But how the refining fires of God burn! There have been many times I have stated, "I didn't sign up for this!". However, being faithful isn't about doing so when we enjoy our circumstances. It's time to be faithful to the task at hand, even when it becomes beyond inconvenient.

And for those that have asked how they could help. I'm not really sure. Our immediate needs are all mostly financial. There are your basic bills and such, and groceries are the biggest worry for us. We have a wish list on Amazon for those. But mostly, just pray for us. That we will be faithful. That we will stand firm as the days tarry on. And that we will have trusting, obedient hearts.

*Edited: I am linking up with Hope for the Weary Mom